12 Reasons why Retail Shop Folks hate the Holiday Season

Thought I would share a note from my Facebook page, a rant about why the holidays take their toll on you when you work retail. I wrote it after a long weekend at the kitchen mecca, and a long couple of weeks of non-stop work at all of my jobs. I wanted to set the rant to the tune of the 12 Days of Christmas, but the task seemed too daunting and ridiculous. Most of what I've written happened exactly as I wrote, this past weekend in fact. In general, I do love the holiday season, and I do enjoy working at the haven for all things culinary related. However some folks can just get on my last gay nerve. Read on, enjoy and take what I say with a large grain of salt. I'm prone to hyperbole and exaggeration!

1. Gift wrapping, even under the best of conditions, takes at least 10 minutes. I might like magic spells, I dream of Jeannie, and Bewitched, but I'm not able to twitch my nose, flick a wand or blink my eyes to get your present wrapped in 10 seconds.
2. When you buy an item that has been discounted 75% already, you don't deserve to harangue the staff people and take up additional time in order to make you feel like you made a good gift choice.
3. Taking pictures of an item with your iPhone, so you can shop online for a better price later is just plain tacky.
4. Coming into the store for as much free candy or samples of our food items as a meal replacement is wrong. Not to mention how fattening and bad for you all that junk is. Do you know how many fat calories are in a tablespoon of olive oil? A lot. Just because it's olive oil, doesn't make it any healthier for you when you ingest a quarter of a cup with a half pound of bread at the olive oil tasting bar.
5. When we ask if we can help you, we genuinely mean we would like to be of assistance. We are not trying to make you buy anything. It's our store policy to be polite and offer the best customer service possible. Jeesh, try getting someone at Best Buy to help you. Go ahead, try. You'll be waiting forever to find a sales person with half a brain and any sense of politeness in them.
6. For the sanctimonious types, I know where some of you ought to have been today. So why are you shopping on the Sabbath? Don't pull your religiosity on me when you see me in other venues. I'm not buying it.
7. When the special offer of 20% or any other decent discount or coupon incentive is offered, it doesn't apply to items you purchased days before the offer began. Store policy clearly states this on the offer. No, you should not or cannot bring back your purchase for a full refund return and then repurchase it in order to get that 20% or the $10 for every $50 you spent.
8. Asking for each item to be individually wrapped for the 8 days of Hanukkah is annoying and takes up a lot of time, energy and resources. WRAP your own frickin' gifts. And no, we can't give you extra paper, boxes, ribbons and the do-dads to make your other personal packages as pretty as the ones we've already wrapped for you.
9. Internet and Catalog orders are entirely different sometimes than the items offered in the store. If we don't carry the item, ever, then yes, shipping charges may apply. Sorry. Take the news graciously. I did not make the policy.
10. Returning the dishes and platters you purchased a few days ago, when it's clear you used them for your holiday party is gross. We can tell when the dishes have been used. Have the decency to run them through a dishwasher with some soap for criminy sakes. Scrap that soup gunk off the bowls. That platter, it was still greasy from your roast beast.
11. Rounding up your purchase 11 cents to give to a charity foundation benefits the organization and doesn't hurt you at all. Have a heart and give a buck. I truly cannot believe someone wouldn't round up their purchase to the next whole dollar to give to Saint Jude's Children's Hospital. Less than 50 cents. Like you would miss that change. What did you drop at Starbucks today on that fat latte?
12. Remember, you chose to go out to shop today, 3 to 1 day before the big holiday. So did everyone else. The lines will be long and the staff is over worked. Have a sense of kindness and some patience. We'll all get along a lot better.

Bonus - Returning an item, years after the item was carried by the store, and getting angry that the value of the item has dwindled to 99 cents is ridiculous. So is asking the staff to re-wrap the item so you can re-gift it. Threatening to call the district manager makes you look like an even bigger cheap ass bastard.


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