Stuck in a Rut


I am having one of those infuriating and frustrating days where I'm angry and want to through my computer out a frickin' window. Mostly I'm upset with the slowness of my internet connection. I'm also frustrated with myself for feeling like I'm in a stuck place and I don't know how to or can't get myself out of this rut. For the past 2 weeks I've realized in a clear and annoying way that I'm just not living up to my potential. The terrible thing is - I feel immobilized by fear to do much about it other than gripe to myself. As I take weight off of my body, I also notice that I am peeling away pyschological layers as well. I feel vulnerable in a way that I'm not used to feeling. The old catch-22 cycle of protecting oneself with armor, or in my case fat and food, to stave off the hurt and fears of living a full life of promise and potential.

What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? What potential do you possess that you just are not utilizing? It is easier to ask than to answer. More and more I find that I don't want to answer the question, because I don't know how to answer the question, as oppossed to trying to figure how to answer the question.

The start of a new year can be refreshing or frustrating - as new beginnings represent the unlimited freedom of potential yet to be realized. I realize I'm setting myself up here for a hard fall by having so much freedom before me, unbounded by too much that could be done. Instead I need to give myself the permission to go slowly, step forward in ways that feel comfortable to me.

I gained a bit of weight in the last week and I haven't been as active as I'd like to be. I've only ridden my bike twice this month on rides outside of going to work. Oddly, I am not so upset with myself for having gained a half pound in the last week. This has happened before. It's a bit of a reality check for me - making me have to touch base with what I'm eating and getting back in control with healthier habits. This time of year - the cold wintery wet January's of years past make me see that some of my feelings are in synch with the weather and lack of sunlight. The shorter days make me want to hibernate and crawl into a cave for a long dormancy. Perhaps that's what part of this winter enui is - a dormancy within me. It's taken me over 5 months to reach this point in my weight loss journey. It may take another 5 months to get closer to the rest of my weight goals, retrain my brain to think happier more positive thoughts, and to see the potential before me as individual blank pages onto which I can create a new and productive artistic adventure.

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